After a lifetime of mistakes, I let my Magic Eight Ball (MEB) decide. For a week, I gave tricky choices and options to the great ball of destiny.
Situation: The weather report lets me down. Forecast: Light showers. I could glance out my open window where a dreamcatcher is blowing something fierce but I trust your opinion more.
Q: Should I wear rain boots?
A: Very Doubtful.
Result: MEB, thank you for your guidance. The wet weather turned into a nor’easter and as you said, my waterproof shoes weren’t enough to stay dry.
Situation: My sister demands a response to her wedding invitation: chicken, fish, or beef? I’m allergic to everything with a mouth. Without a +1 to help me choose, I asked my rabbi, sangha, priest, and shaman but they all disagreed.
Q: Help, what should I eat at the reception?
A: Concentrate and Ask Again.
Result: You’re a genius, round oracle of my spirit. I squeezed my eyes shut, took a deep breath, then texted my sister about the caterer. It’s a seafood restaurant so I’ll get the fish. Thank you! xoxo.
Situation: The Zoltar genie at the carnival predicted my future. The card read, “You’ll find hidden riches.”
Q: Should I play lotto or ask my wealthy great-aunt for another loan?
A: Don’t Count On It.
Result: Correct, again! Divine protector of blue waters and a twenty-sided plastic cube, you are my sage. Mystified over where to look, chills overcame me upon crossing the path of a Psychic Palm Reader. Her crystal ball and mediumship identified a hidden divorce and the location of my long-lost cousin, Rich, Jr., and uncle, Rich, Sr. MEB, you’re priceless.
Situation: I met my new boyfriend, Joaquin, during a peyote vision quest. We use the rhythm method for birth control but it’s unpredictable. During sex, I’m not sure if he’s going to shoot one past the goalie. My herbalist warned: the pill can make me break out, a diaphragm might slip, and an IUD could lead to a nasty infection.
Q: I flipped a coin and decided not to have kids. Should I convince Joaquin to prove his devotion and get a vasectomy?
A: Without A Doubt.
Result: Joaquin committed to our future and is sitting here with a bag of ice on his junk after his outpatient male sterilization surgery. Permanently sealed, he can’t get me…